Did I give my "everything" today?

I've just finished reading the latest post on one of the blogs I follow - Bring the Rain (link on the right of my blog). The song that plays when you first open is called "All that I can say" and one of the lines in the song is "This is all that I can give, that's my everything". I was looking for a topic for today's blog, and that's a good one.

Did I give my "everything" today?

Did I whole-heartedly go after this day?

The answer is NO.

I'm usually a go-getter kind of person. At least until lately. Actually, that's probably not true. There's been an ever-increasing level of apathy in my attitude for some time now. I can't place my finger on when it started, but I guess that really isn't the important part anyway.

There was a time when I didn't need a lot of external motivation or urging to give my best. I liked the way that doing something well made me feel, and I also liked the challenge of working on something until I got better at it. This drive and some healthy competition was all I really needed. Oh, and the fear of getting in trouble for doing something wrong. Nothing motivates me more than the possibility of getting in trouble :)

My love of sports stemmed, at least in part, from this part of my personality. Sports are always a challenge, and you can always improve... plus, there's the added bonus of competition. My competitive nature isn't the kind that always needs to defeat the other team, and it isn't particularly driven by aggression. I just felt that if I was going to do something, I shouldn't waste my time doing it at anything less than my full efforts.

Not so these days. I float through my days on a "make it through" philosophy. I'm in a hurry to just get things done so I can move on to the next thing, or worse, I simply put the things off in the hopes that I won't ultimately need to do them.

Today at work, I knew going into the day that it would be a short work day and that I would be going home after lunch. I also knew there was only one item that I had to complete in that time, and that item would take less than an hour. However, instead of completing that item and moving on to other items with later due dates, I goofed off. I found many distractions to rationalize it.

I know in my head that completing those other items (or at least starting them) would 1) make for a much easier time later on, 2) result in a better work product, and 3) drastically reduce my stress levels because I won't have to worry about them anymore. What happened to the internal drive to do things well? Has it been replaced by a lesser drive to just get things done when I HAVE to, or worse, no drive at all? I wish I could say the behavior has been perpetuated by an environment where the workload in unreasonable and therefore it is impossible to get everything done to the level of my satisfaction. If that were true, how did I manage to do exactly that for the first three years I worked there?

The same applies to how I deal with my kids in certain situations. I'll put off putting them in the bathtub or I'll decide it's "time" for them to learn to bathe themselves (they can, but are easily distracted and "forget" to wash) until it's way past bedtime, and then I rush them around getting them dry and in jammies. In the rush, of course, there's no time for bedtime stories or talking. I'm ashamed to say that more often than not I make Hannah read to them anyway. I rationalize THAT by telling myself it's good for her... which it is, but not in the way it should be. If I were giving my "everything," I'd lay down with all of them while she was reading to them, and then we'd all talk about the book together. Instead, I substitute Hannah for me because it gets the job done. In no deep corner or far reaches of my imagination do I believe this is parenting done well. I feel guilty, and I should.

The greater question is, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? It's the easiest question in the world to ask... and the hardest one to answer. How do I make myself take the time to do the job well in a day that is a total whirlwind from the second the alarm goes off until I pass out in bed with the kids? I can't answer that yet. I need to work on making sure I realize all the times I don't give everything I have, because I fear it's more often than I think. And maybe I should hire someone scary to supervise so there's the threat of being in trouble. Apply in your comment and be sure to use your best authoritative tone :)

I'd love to hear if any of you have had similar issues, and whether or not you've found something that works to get you back on track. I'm at a loss on this one.