Fashion-forward...or not

If you know me, you also know that I do not dabble in the fashion industry. I don't even peep, I mean, pop a toe (hee hee.. PEEP-TOE!!) in the ocean that is fashion.

My wardrobe consists of comfortable, sensible work-appropriate clothes and an impressive collection of jeans and t-shirts. There's probably no need to discuss my sports bra obsession or choice of underwear that is specifically and meticulously chosen for its ability to stay OUT of my rear. I mean, no need after this one little discussion, of course.

Anyway, I have a point. Or at least there is a point to there not being a point. Whatever.

I am a relatively intelligent person, or so I like to think... but when it comes to the terminology used in the fashion world, said world regularly hands me a large piece of "you're a moron" pie. Rather, it may be more accurate to say that it throws the whole pie in my shiny, make-up free face.

For example. I realize that these were in and out of style a few years ago, but indulge me for a minute. Kitten heels. Seriously? I am not so behind the evolutionary times of women that I don't realize these are shoes. I just didn't realize that small furry kittens wore them! Or...yikes...are they specially made for stomping on said furry kittens??? Either way, I will be forever grateful that they didn't last long. Oh, never mind - my personal satisfaction from this fact has been swiftly replaced by the extreme disappointment at the new stiletto fad. At least I had a minute chance of not breaking my ankle before. Sheesh.

And... something a bit more "with the times"... the "maxi" dress? Really? Are we so at a loss for names for fashion elements that we had to steal from hygiene products?

And don't get me started on all the different names we have for different lengths of dresses. Google produced these: micro-mini, mini, moxi, tea length, ballerina length, full length, midi, maxi. (Reminds me of the name game. "Mini, mini, micro-mini, banana fanna moe moxi, fi fie foe midi... mini!" See, this is why they shouldn't let me out in public.) Presumably, these are in order from shortest to longest (now the maxi thing is making a little more sense, but I still picture the "extra long with wings"). Now, I'm a tall girl, and it is possible that there would be a noticeable distinction in each of these lengths on someone of my height. But, since the average woman is say, 5'5, I venture to guess that these minor variations would be lost. "Oh, for shame... she's wearing a "moxi" length dress at a "tea length" event.. the horror! Her family will be forever shamed." Riiiiiiight.

And the more traditional terms... is it just me, or do they all sound like obscenities (with some sort of accent)? Aw, SMOCK! What the FROCK?! She is such a pain in the ASCOT.

Peep-toe - a toe with voyeuristic tendencies? Probably doesn't refer to the hole in the big toe portion my socks. Furry boots with miniskirts, because our need for warm feet is only slightly more than our need to have our rear ends hanging out in thirty-degree weather (it's not like tights are THAT warm). Or, alternatively, perhaps it's that our need to not have ridiculously sweaty feet is slightly less than our need to be "cool, hip, and with-it. Either way it's lost on me.

And as a personal aside... I'm not sure the fashion industry is so smart anyway. Hello... the 80's called and wants its neon, baggy, ripped, striped, big-haired trends back. They were horrible then. Nobody I know looks back at their high school photos from that period of time and says "Wow, we were so hot!"

Wearing scarves when it's 90 degrees outside. I suppose you don't need me to explain that one. Although, I must admit I put one of Hannah's scarves on after I picked it up out of the floor, and it was kinda fun to fiddle with.

Skinny jeans. I spit in your general direction. They should be called "please only wear me if you're extremely skinny" jeans. Or "please don't even try to squeeze any amount of actual hip or thigh into something this skinny" jeans.

JUST SAY NO to ultra-low-rise pants. From what I can gather, this is the reverse effect of the super-short shorts that were so cool this year. Instead of the inseam covering two inches of your, AHEM, you know... these pants now stylishly show two inches of your, AHEM, crack...

Okay, okay. I'm done.

It's no wonder that "What Not To Wear" is so fiendishly popular.