Just going through the motions

Yep, it's a two-fer blog day.

I've been slowly coming to realization that I have just been going through the motions of my life. I get up, get the kids up, ship them off to school or Mom's, head to work, work, go to lunch, work, get kids, go home, and go to bed. I get no real joy out of any of it. It's as if my life has been calendared by someone else, and I'm just going from appointment to appointment.

Do not mis-interpret that to mean that I don't love my kids or my husband. I absolutely do. But I struggle with how I love them - how I show them that I love them. It occurred to me that I don't really show them at all like I wish I did. How many times have my kids asked to do something simple - like make cookies from pre-made dough - that I respond to with "Later"? Does "Later" ever come? Not usually. And, how many times have I yelled at them for interrupting a TV program? A stupid TV program that I DVR'd anyway, and can watch anytime?

And my poor husband... when was the last time we made time just for us? Oh, I don't know... around 8-9 years ago? (Well, maybe 4 years ago - we did have Abby!! ;) ) Even sadder - when was the last day that passed that I didn't yell at him for something I thought he should have done? The saddest - the last time we kissed (I mean really kissed... TMI, I know...)? Talked about our future - in singular form - rather than our futures - plural form?

The real clincher isn't even these things, even though I know they are terrible things. It's that every day I think about how terrible these things are and ways I can change them... and every day I go right back to doing them.

Apparently I have the temper, patience, and resolve of a two-year-old.

I rant and rave about the "fairness" of things to Mike - who does laundry more, who cleans more, who bathes the kids more, dinner, and so on... where in our vows did it say "Thou shalt take turns doing the chores"? Is this Kindergarten? And... would I like how he did those things anyway? I not only want him to do these things, I want him to do them how and when I say to do them. (For the record, we had the "obey" part removed from our vows...) I'm sure his view is that I'll re-do whatever he does (or point out the flaws in his end product) anyway, so what's the point.

Ew. Putting down all of this on paper is harsh. I've not only been going through the motions, I've been forcing everyone around me to go through my motions - my way- with me! Laundry must be folded this way. The kids must be in the bathtub at 8:30 (never happens). You must put this outfit on the girls - absolutely NOT that one. No dogs in the house. Why aren't the dogs in the house? Put the dogs out! Let them in!

If you read the previous blog, you may wonder how this can exhaust me if I'm just doing the same things everyday anyway. It's a valid question, and I asked myself the same thing. I firmly believe that it's because I have a little internal war going on every day that this behavior continues, and I either feel helpless to change it or am angry with myself for being too weak to overcome it. It's a fruitless struggle, and I know it, yet I am reluctant to give it up.

So... I need some homework. Tonight forward I'm going to shake things up - I'm going to say "YES" to the cookies. I'm going to IGNORE the haphazardly-folded towels and say "Thank you" for folding them in the first place. I'm not turning on the TV until the girls are in bed. I'm getting off this computer RIGHT NOW and going to play with the girls. I hope to report back with good things, and I will post updates. Any ideas to help would be greatly appreciated, as well as just candid feedback about your own experiences, if you have any.

Please address any nominations for "Mother of the Year" and "Spouse of the Year" to the North Pole - I'm sure Santa needs a good laugh.