So cold...

I officially have the winter blues. The sun did not shine for a single second today and it was bitterly cold.

I'm not even warm and fuzzy on the inside. I physically shivered all day today, which was to be expected when it's a whopping 28 degrees outside... but I think I mentally shivered all day, too.

I don't really know how to explain what I mean by that. When I'm physically cold, my whole body clenches up and tries to draw into itself as far as it possibly can, and shivers uncontrollably - which eventually makes me tired and sleepy. Think of it like trying to see very small print at a distance (or close up, for some of you) and squinting for long periods of time. Eventually, your eyes get tired and give up.

I feel that way mentally. My thoughts and emotions have been clenching up and drawing as far into the depths as they can get, shivering. I'm exhausted from the effort, but unlike the physical symptoms, they aren't cured by blankets or sleep.

What is the cure? I know what it is - emotional release. Gut-wrenching, screaming, sobbing, belly-laughing, three-sheets-to-the-wind release. I haven't cried in months. Maybe even years. Not really, really cried. There have been some frustrated tears, but only the kind that are ashamedly brushed away and not talked about again. I have belly-laughed, but not nearly as often as I should. There have been few if any sheets in the wind (takes too long to recover these days... college is DEFINITELY over).

There has been lots of screaming. Too much. Enough that the physical satisfaction from that kind of exertion is overshadowed by the shame and guilt from not being able to control myself better.

I've always had this problem. I don't like to lose it in front of other people. They don't really know what to do with me when it happens, and I don't like to make other people uncomfortable. I'm not big on other outward displays of emotion, either... even the happy ones. If I've laughed until I can't breathe in your presence, you're probably on my list of guardians for my children. I'll be honest, I have trouble losing it even when it's just me. I read some very, very heart-wrenching blogs that would have most men sobbing like babies, and all I could muster was misty eyes.

I'll tell you where it's gotten me. People outside of my mental shield think I'm the most stable and well-adjusted person in the world (that evokes a little giggle, I must admit). Of course, when people think you're stable, you feel the need to act stable, which perpetuates the problem and guarantees a breakdown at the least opportune moment - like in your VP's office? Yikes. Then they think you're nuts and likely to blow at any second. Great.

And, just in case you get the urge or the opportunity, I am NOT ready to talk about any of this. I get all red-faced and nauseous just thinking about it. I miss my friends. The ones I wasn't ashamed to lose it in front of. The ones I told everything to no matter how stupid or awful it was, which logically resulted in less freak-outs in the first place.

I miss my mommy and daddy. They're physically close by and willingly available, but I haven't worked out how to be a parent and yet lean on my own parents when I need it. They really do more for us than we should ask of them or let them, so guilt plays into it too... I'm so busy trying to give them their space and I'm not sure they've even asked for it. I never want them to feel like they have to ask for it.

There's a saying that sometimes it's better to do something and ask for forgiveness later than to ask for permission. My brain screams at the thought of doing anything that may require forgiveness. I'd rather ask for permission for EVERYTHING. At least then I know for sure what's going to make you mad :) and I can weigh that against how badly I want/need to do it (and added bonus of being prepared for the wrath rather than it catching me off guard).

Well, I have yet again stayed up way too late NOT waiting on my husband to get home. It was a blog full of random thoughts, I know. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.